A Man to Man Talk 2
by fudgeandbrownies
Summary: The sequel to a man to man talk. Artemis and Butler discuss Artemis very, VERY interesting love life. PLEASE R&R! Oneshot


:D decided to write this. Please R&R!

… …

"_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue,_

_Sugar is sweet,_

_I am too!_"

"So what do you think of my wonderful poem for Holly?" Artemis asked Butler.

"Thumbs down," Butler replied flatly. In front of the computer screen, which showed Holly's msn account. (of course they hacked into it, whaddya expect) "Uh, Artemis, um, you, uh, should see this to um, know how you're probably gonna fare."

Artemis jumped on Butler's lap to see the screen.

- _Artemis- I am a genius! _(Blocked)

"Hey she blocked me!"

"And Arty, if you look closely, you'll see that it's the only name under the group 'the stinkiest, baddest, stupidest, lamest, idiotic people (okay, person) ever'."

"Her grammar sucks."

"I suppose so. She's just a cop or something, isn't she?"

"Is that what she is?" Artemis asked, amazed. "I thought she was an astronaut. I mean, she flew a space shuttle to the middle of the earth and ate chocolate truffles there! (the opal deception! Which rocks!) And the truffles rocked. So I figured she's an astronaut."

"Truffles have nothing to do with astronauting," Butler commented.

"It's astronautation!" Artemis corrected.

"Look, Artemis. I'm running a spell check on this computer and there's this squiggly red line under it. That totally means that it's grammatically wrong."

"No. Way. That means that it's spelt wrongly."

"Artemis! Listen to me, you naughty boy. IT'S GRAMMAR!"

"BUTT-BUTT! YOU DON'T KNOW GRAMMAR FROM A SPELLING BEE!" Artemis took a deep breath to have enough air to continue. "AND FURTHERMORE, BEES DON'T SPELL! SO YOU CAN'T SPELL FOR NUTS!" More breathing. "AND SQUIRRELS EAT NUTS! SO YOU'RE NUTS, LIKE SQUIRRELS! WHO ARE NUTS! LIKE YOU!" Artemis paused. _YES! I PHRASED A PHRASE IN MORE THAN TWO WAYS! I ROCK!_

Butler frowned. "That sounds science-y."

"Well," Artemis considered it. "Biology, to be exact. The study of animals, and squirrels and bees are animals. You're involved too, but you're a nut. So maybe it's not so biology after all," he sighed, tears threatening to spill out of his, ugh, wonderful eyes, for a random reason of dramatization. _Oh my eyes! Beautiful eyes of mine! Tears! How they spill! And ruin my thick layer of makeup I use to make myself look pale! _

"Arty, that's rubbish. Biology's about living stuff. Anyway. I'm not a nut. I don't feel like one. I don't even look like one!"

"You think like one."

"Now that's something to consider!" Butler grinned stupidly and thought about it.

"Poop," Artemis commented.

Butler made a face.

"Butler!" Artemis scolded. "What's the meaning of this!"

"This," Butler explained, "is a pronoun, indicating the person or thing that has just been mentioned."

"You know what I mean, you idiot."

"It means that I disagree with whatever you say and that I don't like you." Butler pouted.

"You think I like you?" Artemis made a disgusted face. "Hellllooo? I just PRETEND to get along with you so that something nice can happen in stories, I can seem noble, and that we don't end up looking like the fools we always appear to be."

"True," Butler agreed. "Except that you're the foolish one, not me."

"Vice versa!" Artemis retorted. "If you know what that means."

"Of course I do!" Butler huffed. "You think that some advanced-sounding German term can stump me?"

"Latin."

"Let in what?" Butler frowned. "Puh-leeease, make yourself clear!"

"Notice."

"Mental hospital? I can go to vacationland?" Butler asked hopefully.

"If you notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing." Artemis smiled smugly. "What a nice sentence."

"If you notice that this is NOT grammar school, you're smart."

"Shut up, Butt-butt."

"YOU shut up!" Butler growled.

"No, you!" Artemis threw a pillow at Butler. And missed.

"Nyah-nyah-nee-boo-boo!" Butler said in a singsong voice, sticking out his tongue at Artemis.

Artemis attempted another throw, and missed again. Horribly.

"I sort of understand why you were always the last one picked for ball games in school," Butler commented.

"Those kids were jealous of my extremely high IQ." Artemis sniffed.

"You were last in class for everything, you know. You only APPEAR to be clever. Because you memorize useless facts that no one else knows, so people get fooled. And you can't figure out what's one plus one!"

"It's two." Artemis said flatly.

"I'm amazed." Butler said sincerely.

_Oh, the wonders of the modern calculator. Saved me from all the embarrassment to come! I'm going to get a nice gold casing for my dear dear calculator. _Artemis smiled and patted his calculator affectionately.

"Now shut up." Artemis said sternly. "I'm going to watch Barney."

"Whatever." Butler rolled his eyes as the television screen flashed and the purple dinosaur appeared. _Gee. I wonder what Barney does today. I hope he uses the Barney bag! Love that song! _Butler smiled stupidly at the screen.

"I want Ribena." Artemis pouted. FYI readers, Ribena is a grapey drink. I'm not sure if it's sold in other countries. Anyway, mainly kids drink it.

"Can't you get it yourself?" Butler grumbled. "I'm busy."

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Uh. No?"

"Idiot. Go drown yourself." Butler mumbled to himself.

"Butt? I heard that. I don't know how to drown anything, period. How do I drown myself anyway? Drowning sounds interesting." _And maybe one day I can drown you and get a PROPER bodyguard! Yesyesyes! _

"Uh, good question. I think," Butler paused, "I don't know."

"When did you last check into a mental hospital, Butler?"

"Not since the Opal Incident. After all that horror, obviously I'd need some counseling." Butler grinned.

"And the hot counselor sure helped, I bet." Artemis commented.

"Duh!" Butler frowned. "Didn't you check in as well?"

"NO!" Artemis defended himself quickly. "I'm much stronger than you, mentally and physically!" He flexed the pale and skinny arms of his, admiring the nonexistent muscles.

"Since when have self deception and a bony frame became parts of mental and physical health?" Butler mocked.

"My dear man, you are blind. Clearly, your jealousy is unbelievable. Your face is green, your eyes filled with envy. Signs of jealously!" Artemis concluded. _That's freaking poetic! Woot! I can picture it now- Artemis Fowl, world-saver, romantic closet poet._

Butler pretended to puke. "Shut up and write the stupid poem to Holly! And _stop_ making me seem so pathetic when it's obvious that I'm a much more intelligent life form than you are." _What in the world of crazy beings did I ever do to deserve this? _

"Know something?" Artemis questioned.

"What?" Butler snapped.

"I'm sidetracking."

"Of course you are. Go write the poem to make her feel your, uhm, love."

_Artemis Fowl, getting engaged to Holly Short._

_Artemis Fowl, getting MARRIED. To Holly Short._

_Artemis Fowl, being a FATHER._

_Artemis Fowl, watching his kids get married._

_Artemis Fowl, the grandfather._

_It's going to be one unbelievable 'romance'. _Butler thought. _I hope my contract ends before I have to witness all this._

"Okay." Artemis nodded.

"_Roses are red,_

_Violets are blue,_

_Your eye's now black_

_How sad for you!"_


End file.
